Marriage Without the Carriage

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the carriage. 

I remember singing this rhyme as a child. Mainly when teasing a friend about their new infatuation with a boy. We would then giggle and have discussions about our lives with our teenage loves which most often included how many children we would have once married. Because as the song goes, after marriage comes the baby. 

However, no one ever talks about the possibility of not completing the end of this childhood rhyme. What happens if there is no baby in the baby carriage?

I can honestly say I never thought about this question. I, as most women (and men) do, assumed that I would get married and have children. Those children would grow up healthy, strong, and productive only to continue the family blood line. However, life doesn’t always go as planned.

Over the next few weeks, I will share my journey with you. This first segment will focus on the pregnancy and loss of our two children, Nyah and Zion.

My story…

I must let you know that I am a woman of faith. I believe God and His word wholeheartedly. I am also a woman who prays. I can tell you my infertility challenges were a huge struggle for me and tested my faith. Prior to my first “successful pregnancy,” I had gone through five miscarriages.

There were times when I let doubt, envy, and bitterness not just creep in, but consume me. It took me a long time to heal. Especially after finally getting pregnant in 2005 then experiencing the loss of our first child, Nyah about 10 minutes after she was born. 

I never thought I would get over losing her. I still miss her, but I am grateful God chose me to bring her into the Earth even if it was only for a few fleeting moments. The same goes for the second baby, Zion, whom I lost a little over a year later (2006). The life and death of those two babies brought out a strength in me, I didn’t even know I had. 

Since that time, I have been able to share my story with others who have experienced the same thing. It has always been my prayer for my experiences dealing with infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss to be able to help others going through the same thing. 

How did I get through it?

In the beginning, I was a hot mess. I was mad at God for being so cruel to allow me to finally get pregnant and then taking away my little girl. I felt that because I was walking in obedience to His word and doing all the right things that nothing like that was supposed to happen to me. 

I became depressed. I shut out my husband and everyone close to me. I didn’t want to hear anything from anyone because they didn’t know the depth of my heartache. I  felt like a fraud because I had accepted several baby gifts and didn’t deliver the baby that was promised. I also believed that I had let my husband down. I knew how much he wanted children and I couldn’t give him the one thing he wanted. It is amazing the thoughts the enemy will plant in your mind when you are depressed. 

I belong to a great ministry with wonderful pastors who poured into me God’s word both personally and over the pulpit. It was after one of these times that I decided to stop allowing the enemy to whisper his sweet nothings into my ear. I knew God had more for me and I knew this was not the end. So I rededicated my life to the Lord. I began writing and allowing His words to flow through my fingers onto pages. This is how I began to heal. This took a lot of time because there were certain things I held onto even though I knew I had to let it go. 

One of those things was bitterness. Every time an unwed woman became pregnant, the bitterness inside me would grow. This vile root would burrow its way deeper and deeper into my heart. I would question God as to why they were able to conceive and have a healthy baby while this gift was so far removed from my husband and I. God never answered me. I eventually decided that I wanted to be totally healed because my life was in a holding pattern. I couldn’t move on until the bitterness was gone. And because God is who He is, He performed open heart surgery and removed the root. 

I have been blessed with an awesome support system. My husband who also went through a lot during this time was always there for me. He never left my side, even when I was the one pushing him away because of my insecurities. My family and friends were also there for me. But most importantly, God was there. Even in my emotionally dark moments, He always left the light on for me. 

I know that I wouldn’t have made it through any of this if I didn’t have faith in God. God kept my mind and gave me peace. It is because of His love for me that I am still here.

Let me know if this blog has blessed you by emailing me at authortunisiawilliams@gmail.com. Stay tuned for the next installment in this series on Marriage Without the Carriage.