Expectations, Part 2: Tough Conversations

For a long time, I carried around the guilt of not being able to conceive. The “I” in infertility had become my scarlet letter. Sewn into the fabric of my garments as if everyone who passed me by knew my plight. It was only during conversations with new friends and coworkers that the “I” became visible when the dreaded question about children was asked. 

My “No” response would be followed by awkward silence and a quick subject change. “No” was the easy answer because how many people truly want to know the details of our miscarriages, infant deaths, and failed IUI treatments upon a first meeting. I am not a Debbie Downer. Besides, this information has only been shared with a few close friends and everyone reading this blog. 

I had to reconcile this issue within myself which resulted in tough conversation number 1. I started by examining my own problematic thoughts and how I viewed myself. I had a prodigal daughter moment. After realizing how much my life had become stagnant, I came to myself and returned to my Father and repented for my sins. 

Then God and I had tough conversation number 2. I had questions. But more importantly, He had questions and answers. I had to stop attending the pity party thrown by me in my honor. I was not behaving in a manner that allowed Him to get the glory out of my life in this particular area. By allowing Christ in, I pushed the enemy’s hold on me out. Just like the woman with the issue of blood, I told God the whole truth. I revealed my pain and my shame. It was then I began to redefine who I was as a woman and a wife. Having children is a by-product of marriage and my inability to conceive didn’t make me any less of a woman or a wife. 

Tough conversation number 3 was with Will. We have had several tough conversations throughout our marriage and I know many more are still yet to come. 

In the early years of our infertility journey, I had become so insecure in my womanhood I began to push my husband away. If insecurity is the devil’s playground, mine was Disney World. My thoughts were clouded with false images of who I was because I couldn’t conceive and carry a healthy baby to term. I wrote my husband this ridiculous letter emoting all ideas born from insecurity. I was ready to be Sarah, that is if she had divorced Abraham so he could begin a life of fertility with Hagar. See, ridiculous.

After reading that letter, we had a long talk. What I hadn’t realized was that my husband was fine with just being married to me. When he married me, he meant ALL the vows. I had been blinded by my grief, bitterness, and insecurities. This conversation gave me a new insight into the man I had married. It also helped to heal something on the inside of me. I believe the love for my husband increased at that moment. Since having the talk, our relationship has grown stronger and our focus has changed. Our marriage continues to grow into what God desires for it to be.

As you go through life, don’t be afraid to confront your negative thoughts and beliefs about what it means for you to be in a childfree marriage. This goes for whether you are childfree for a season or a lifetime. Have tough conversations with your spouse. You are in this together and you are stronger together. 

Please feel free to reach out to me with any comments or questions at authortunisiawilliams@gmail.com.